Obstacles

 
I realize that the obstacles in my life are mostly self imposed and are not as worthy of complaint as others who have real barriers and obstacles. Many people have to get past serious traumatic experiences, racism, sexism, economic struggles, health issues and the list goes on and on. Here I am thinking of the obstacles in my life and I can’t even begin to feel sorry for myself…but somehow I do.

 No matter where we are in life though we seem to put up walls and barriers to our own success and self-actualization. I want to be a better person, more successful, harder working, more focused…but I let things get in my way. When I thought of what got in my way it became a little suffocating. I imaged a moat between my home and me, with no bridge, no boat, and no way to get across.

                        When I thought of how lazy I am, how it keeps me from accomplishments…I took a nap.

 When I thought of how much fun I like to have….I stopped my homework, party time.

 When I thought of my insecurities and fear…I avoided looking further.

 When I thought of how nice the sun would feel on my skin…I went for a hike.

 

The usefulness of understanding what gets in your way, of naming it and seeing it is that you can become aware of it and with awareness you can modify your behavior and make positive change. The Indigenous knowledge of naming your fears or obstacles makes sense. When you name it, you recognize it and then you can do something about it. It is self reflection and it is taking inventory of where you are and where you want to be. It does seem useful for oneself and within any helping profession.

My mind is a crazy flow of lava             

Hot from motion

No way to cool or be cool                                 

Cool is now gone

Heat of Sun warms my touch         

The bla bla speech of

Mr. Such and Such

Burns my soul

A drop of liquid fire rolls off my temple

As it hits the floor

No cool breeze to cushion burn

Nowhere to turn

Only heat

 

Exercise in letting the mind take me where it wants to go….not sure if I was really ready for that ride! Something that came up in my free writing exercise was some poetry which has been in my head forever. It is great to take some time and let out that creative side and express oneself. It does feel healthy.

Something that is apparent to me from this exercise is that I am insane….sssshhh don’t tell. I don’t think that I am alone though. My mind, just like others, is scrambling to make sense of this existence, to process experiences and emotions and make decisions. What came to my mind in the free writing exercise and in reflection after is how so many people’s thoughts are scattered by traumatic experiences, domestic violence, mental health issues and drug use. I have to constantly remind myself that people can make poor decisions and it is not for me to judge. It is for me to understand that their thought processes and decision making can often be in reaction to very difficult circumstances and situations. My mind is very busy and tangled up and that is with as many opportunities and comforts that I have been allowed. I can only image what a jumbled up mess it would be if I had experienced more challenges in life. The point I am trying to make to myself mostly, is that you can’t go around thinking, “What were you thinking!” You have to think to yourself, “What experiences has this person had to make them think this way?” Then maybe there is more understanding, compassion, patient and a place to begin to help. Am I making any sense?

 

 

                                  

We were asked to reflect on the subject of silence this week. (long pause) I think that somehow, somewhere I got it all mixed up. I began to think of silence as consent. I thought of silence as some type of weakness, like I couldn't stand up for myself or others if I wasn't flapping my lips in self defense or defense of others. If I didn't use my voice and articulate my thoughts to others I was not communicating my wants, needs and intentions. (longer pause)

I am that annoying guy in the elevator who can't deal with the silence and then I say something stupid about the weather. (pause for silence)

They say that a picture is worth a 1000 words but maybe, just maybe, silence is worth a whole heck of a lot more then that, like 10000 words wispered into the wind. Silence means you are listening. Silence means you are thinging. Silence means you are giving someone else a chance. I remember hearing in course work last semester that an effective leader is someone you don't even notice. I like that. (long pause)

Hopefully as life keeps moving faster and faster, as we are more exposed to created stimuli we will remember to find room for silence in our lives and in that silence hear what is actually happening within and around us.